If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
