I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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