Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
