Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize