On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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