Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It's never too late to be topless.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
