She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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