Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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