Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
