next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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