My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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