she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She's like a pop up book from hell.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
