Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
