guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
