I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
