I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
