That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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