so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
