"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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