No more Irish car bombs ever.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
