Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
