I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
