Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize