Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
