I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
