Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
