Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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