Betty ford says i'm here all night
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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