I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My penis needs a shock collar
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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