nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
