That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
