census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
