I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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