I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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