i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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