I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
