She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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