upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
