You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We are all done wearing pants today
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
