my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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