My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize