Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
