Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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