Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
