Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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