guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I supernannyed him into submission
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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