So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize