My balls are so social today.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize