Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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