i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
