I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
