I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
