Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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