My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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