forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
