you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Randomize
