My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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