then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
