birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
