i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize