I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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