Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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