I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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